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Friday Diary: The Wonder of the Virgin Trains' Announcement

Shelagh Fogarty pays homage to the Virgin Trains' announcements and watches Peter Capaldi in a new production of Ladykillers.

By Shelagh Fogarty

11 Nov 2011, 16:30

* Virgin Trains' on board  announcements are wonderful, especially the one they make before the train leaves the station about ticketing policy for that particular journey.  It reminds me of Professor Stanley Unwin, the 60's comedian who gave overly complex explanations about simple things, always with an air of studied seriousness. Having recently become a regular train traveller I marvel at the pricing structure. In this homage to The Professor, let me parody the announcement.    "Ladies and Gentlemen if you do not intend to travel on this train please alight now as it is leaving imminently. If, however, you DO intend to travel,  please check your ticket is the appropriate ticket for this journey. If your ticket is an off peak, sad and single bog standard comprehensive school saver WITHOUT a railcard, then hang your head in shame and get the hell off this baby. If its an Advancing Army Super Saver with benefits, you can stay on the train but only if you agree to clean the toilets. Passengers with brown hair can sit in First Class but only if they ALSO have a Standard Advanced IQ of 140. These condition don't apply at weekends." The announcements about food are just as good. The fruit salad has taken on a mythical status. Announced every time by someone who at least sounds like they eat fruit salad and sing in the shower,  it's never actually there. When the shop is declared open it feels like the entire stock is listed aloud.  Next week's homage will be to the Wright Brothers. I'm flying.

* I went to see The Ladykillers on Tuesday at the Liverpool Playhouse which is one hundred years old this week. It's a superb production.  Peter Capaldi plays the con man made so memorable on screen by Sir Alec Guiness. My fears that I wouldn't see past Malcolm Tucker were not realised. He and the rest of the cast were brilliant. Not a word or a move wasted, constant and genuine laughter from the audience, and the staging of the heist was cheeky, original and hilarious. I took the time on my way out to have a look at the photographs from years ago of stars who performed at the Playhouse as young ambitious actors. Anthony Hopkins, Ian McKellern, Alison Steadman, John Thaw. Wonderful talent in a wonderful place.

* We hear so much about Dementia and especially Alzheimer's. This week the Government launched a new strategy aimed at encouraging people to seek help sooner if they fear a relative is in the early stages. A good and sensible plan. Judging by the message my listeners sent to me, many are already trying to do that only to be told by the GP that for reasons of patient confidentiality they can't discuss another person. Then begins the often arduous process of convincing your relative to allow you to accompany them to the doctor's. More positively,  I spoke on air to Ann,  a woman in her late fifties diagnosed with Alzheimer's at just 52. The management of her symptoms must be superb because she was able to explain clearly what she could and could not do and how her life was still very good and far from over. I hope her story isn't as unusual and it felt to me.