On Getting Old
Matthew Lorenzo is a grumpy old git.
5 Dec 2011, 19:04
Victor Meldrew: I don't believe it!
Grumpy doesn’t really cover it. But the older I get the more things annoy me. I mean REALLY annoy me. In a way that my younger self might have ignored far more easily.
Confirm your age by seeing if any of the following gets your middle-aged goat…
First up: emails. In the past if I wrote to someone using what is patronisingly described as snail mail and I did not get a reply I could take solace in the fact that it was the postman’s fault. But if I send an email, and that warning (marked Mailer Daemon or whatever) doesn’t come back, then I know my mail has arrived at its destination. Of course I don’t know whether it ever gets opened, but there’s a sad, paranoid little gizmo you can download which even tells you that.
So when I am ignored I tend to get angry.
It might be by someone I don’t actually know – the guy who hands out idiot parking tickets, or someone I’m pitching for a job for example. Their indifference I can take.
But the cat takes for the hills when someone I actually know doesn’t bother replying. I sit there steaming quietly and invent scenarios whereby my Neapolitan relatives would come over and hit the culprit over the head with his keyboard until he concedes it might have been polite to write back. He could have penned a complete lie, or even invented a terminal illness. No one is too busy to write a one liner email. I’m not seeking the truth, just a little respect.
I hope the guy in charge of non-essential upgrades at British Airways is reading this…
The blood started boil for another reason last week. The reason? Marks and Spencers. Yes good old value for money Marks and Spencers. I bought a jacket online. Now I know that’s an admission of age in itself – there’s a gap between your mum buying you M&S jumpers and you buying your own. It roughly covers the decades between 15 and 45.
Any way I bought the jacket and it arrived inside 24 hours. It was fine and exactly what I’d imagined it might be from the online display. The only trouble was it was a size too big. The next day I went to a lunch in the City. I visited three different stores before and after the lunch: Marble Arch (huge), the City (medium) and South Ken (between the two.) Two of them didn’t have the jacket at all and the third didn’t have the size. In the end I got a refund and ordered the thing again.
Soon afterwards I received an email asking me if I‘d like to review my purchase. I was happy with the jacket and it only took two minutes to give it five stars in every department. But I had to write something too. So I jotted down that it was a great jacket but beware trying to take it back in store.
Two days later Marks wrote to me to say they couldn’t print my review because it didn’t meet their guidelines. I tried to find said guidelines but they’ve hidden them. So I’ll add a further word of warning if you happen to buy and review anything at the nation’s favourite clothing store. Put whatever you like in the review, just make sure none of it is negative. Just follow the guidelines written by the KGB.
And now I realise I’ve passed my allotted number of words and only managed to cover two of my bugbears. Which might qualify as a third. Either way I’ll be back. Perhaps someone from Marks and Sparks would like to add a review below….
Comments (1)
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I am NOT middle aged. By any standards of age measurement, I am elderly. Indeed next year I will become officially an OAP..
Do I feel grumpy? Well I guess seeing the same - easily avoided - mistakes being repeated decade after decade by lying toerags of politicians makes me annoyed. But then I would be annoyed at that if I was half my age.
I find the internet age a great freer. No longer do I need to bottle up my annoyance and vent my spleen on my poor long suffering spouse (shades of One Foot in the Grave).. Nope. If the Independent post something which annoys me, I can usually post on their comments pages.. And annoy some naive wet round the ears yoofs or yooofesses who think they know it all. There is nothing better than leading them into a logical trap arguing over something and then springing it.
It's like shopping. Like many men of my uncertain age, I loathe and detest shopping. A 7 mile trip to our nearest M&S plus parking (the bus service takes over an hour so that's out) is my idea of torment.. But a few mouse clicks and away I go. I can find what I want, do price comparisons and buy it 25% cheaper on line with none of the hassle and pain of physical shopping. And despite the author's experience, I have so far not had to return anything. The only time I had faulty goods, I was given a replacement without returning the faulty one )It was a known fault!)
Budget tight? need to shop cheaply..? My Supermarket lets me compare prices and see who is cheapest . Especially for the essentials in life for the elderly: gin. Cheap petrol? Pertrolprices shows me who is cheapest
Twenty years ago none of the above was possible.
Running injury? Pulled muscles? Within 2 minutes I can have free expert advice on how to treat it - for nothing. No need to visit a doctor or sports clinic..
I could go on and on. I guess I am lucky. I used my first computer - a Digital PDP 8 some 40+ years ago and I've managed to keep up. Indeed I have built my own PCs - If you can assemble Lego, it's easy.. Ans the instructions on the internet are free. And when things go wrong.. etc
I guess I am lucky I still have my mental faculties and am not yet aga or is it gaga or is she a singer?.
06/12/2011 12:23Now where's my zimmer frame?