Tuesday Diary: A Moment Of Madness For The People Of Gwent
Jerry Hayes on the decency of David Hockney, Quentin Davies' sheep, and if offering a bottle of champgane to one of his readers.
31 Jan 2012, 08:30
Ron Davies
* How interesting to read that former Welsh Secretary Ron Davies, famous badger watcher and ‘moment of madness’ honcho in the last shoot out at Gobbler’s Gulch on Clapham Common, has thrown his hat in the ring to be the elected police commissioner of Gwent. I do hope that he promises to crack down on yobbish behaviour as our Ron is somewhat of an expert. Some of us remember one Christmas when a tired and emotional Davies, stumbled into Westminster’s Annie’s Bar, swore at the delightful barmaid, Elizabeth, and then ripped down the festive decorations that she had spent hours arranging. When Deputy Speaker, Harold Walker got wind of this, he made the ghastly Davies make a grovelling apology and replace the bunting. And I am sure the good burghers of Gwent will be eager to hear of his considerable experience with equality and diversity. Many years ago I introduced the then lobby newby, George Pascoe Watson (later to be the distinguished political editor of the SUN), to a well refreshed Davies. Both of us were shocked to hear a deeply offensive homophobic rant about the Secretary of State that he was then shadowing. The people of Gwent are in for a real treat.
* And talking about the SUN, I remember the happy day when Les Hinton and Rebekah Wade (as she then was) asked me to write a daily column covering Labour’s 1997 victory conference. A few weeks later, during a strenuous evening appearing in the High Court sitting in El Vinos, Les came in and slapped me on the back. “Brilliant, brilliant! What a clever way to get round the D notice committee.” To be honest, I hadn’t realised that I had. “Er, how did I do that?” “You know, you slipped in the PIRA codeword which verifies an attack in a way nobody could do anything about!” And then I remembered. I had written apiece about Gerry Adams being ,“up to his marigolds in blood.” Then it clicked. Marigold was the PIRA codeword in those days. Not that I had the foggiest. I was just referring to the rubber gloves. At times like these it is best to look cleverer that you really are.
* I was chatting to an old friend the other day who was bubbling with excitement over the David Hockney exhibition. “So what was it like?” I asked. “Well, actually I didn’t get to see it. I had been queuing for hours and gave up. Some old boy who was outside having a fag took pity on me and beckoned me over for a chat.” Well, the old boy turned out to be Hockney who described every picture and why he had hung it in a certain way. He held the girl spellbound for about twenty minutes. It is the measure of a thoroughly decent man.
* It’s not often I feel sorry for Ed Balls and his gaminesque wife, Yvette Cooper. But the quip by a shadow cabinet colleague (be honest, it was two journos who made it up in a pub), that their perfectly innocent lasagne dinners with colleagues was like an event organised by the Borgias is going to stick. Every time a pope is mentioned, an Italian, pasta and the golden couple are present, there will be hoots of derision. And Cameron is bound to have a few one liners up his sleeve at PMQs. Years ago dear old Quentin Davies (who eventually defected to Labour because Gordon Brown would be good for Britain) once had a problem with his farm manager who neglected some sheep which died. Davies was fined by the RSPCA. But every time anything vaguely sheepy was mentioned, the House collapsed in hystrerics. Worse, when Davies rose to speak he was drowned out by the sounds of “baaaaa.” This went on for years. More interestingly, the Borgias were best known for adultery, simony, theft, rape, bribery, murder and incest. Quite an act to follow, but they were rather close to Gordo. A word of warning for all those backbenchers who are invited to dinner at Casa Balls; the preferred method of murder of the Borgias was arsenic poisoning. Best let an intern taste the food first.
* However, I offer a challenge. A bottle of champagne in El Vinos for the person who comes up with the best one liner or soubriquet which seriously takes the piss out of them in a Borgia like fashion. It better be good though.
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Jerry Hayes
Jerry Hayes is a former Conservative MP and leading barrister defending and prosecuting high profile cases
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Comments (4)
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I'd volunteer to attend a Balls-Cooper event, but after 13 yrs of Golden Chestnuts I doubt they'd be able to outdo themselves
(",)
31/01/2012 14:21Said Lucrezia to Cesare; "Dearie:
Here's an invite we really must query
'LASAGNE: NO WHIPS!
Then Yvettes Oven Chips'
(and post-classical endogenous growth-theory)"
All Balls really...
01/02/2012 09:48Political influence through lasagne? It's not Machiavelli, it's Garfield and Odie.
02/02/2012 00:46Been meaning to sign in for a few weeks now, if only to say how much I'm entertained by your gossipy posts. While I'm here though I might as well go for the bottle if it's still on offer:
"The gall of calling us the Nasty party when it's Balls in the Antipasti and Yvette is a dish best served cold."
06/02/2012 18:40