Tuesday Diary: I Was Punched By John Prescott
Jerry Hayes defends his old friend Ken Livingstone over accusations of homophobia.
14 Feb 2012, 09:00
The Prescott Punch
* What joyous news that syntax terrorist, John Prescott (if you’re an adverb be afraid, be very afraid), wants to stand for election as police Commissioner for Humberside. I thought that with his penchant for mindless violence against the English language and the occasional left hook visited on irritating bystanders, old Thumper might be having us on. Sadly not. Elections are as much in his blood as silicone is in Katie Price’s breasts. Don’t forget that he ran for labour Party Treasurer last year. Now we all remember his “John being John” moment when some poor egg throwing goon got a bit of a smack. But how many remember the time when some hapless Tory MP got in his way in the Members Lobby? Let me refresh your memories. Many years ago a young, talented, Brad Pitt lookalike, was taking the piss out of the great man on the Today Programme. The two met up in the presence of the then Labour Chief Whip. “No hard feelings then John? Just a bit of a lark eh?” grinned the boy wonder with an ego the size of Eric Pickles’s left buttock. At that the Prezza’s face distorted into a gurning grimace of fury and with his glowering eyes reduced to slit trenches, despatched his famous jab into the irritating lad’s solar plexus, with the greeting of, “you little Tory cunt.” Doubled up in pain, the boy received a pat on the back from the Chief Whip. “Nice fellow isn’t he Jerry?” It was me, and I’ve been dining out on it for years. No pain, no gain.
* It was interesting to read that the police were called to an incident in Woking the other day. The public thought that as they spied strange people with guns. Well, up to a point, they were just making a film about Zombies. A few years ago I was invited to appear in a film called, The Light. My job was to play the role of a lying, dishonest and slimy Home Secretary (I was spoilt for inspiration), who was not telling the truth to the public about a virus that was turning them into green glowing zombies. I’ll never forget the strange looks from the old boys with their pints standing outside the Berkhamsted British Legion staring at me being pursued by a film crew and a group of extras painted as green zombies. But then they must have remembered that Norman Tebbit lived just round the corner, shrugged their shoulders, and went back inside to the warmth.
* I had an interesting chat with an old Middle East hand last week who told me that Saudi Arabia is beginning to sniff the warm winds of the Arab spring. Never mind that women are not allowed to drive, that getting stoned is a rather different concept than in Islington and that monogamy is something that their chairs are made of. The medieval government has introduced a new and important freedom for women. They are allowed to work in shops. But not any old shops, just the ones that sell lingerie. At the moment only men can sell the stuff, which when you think of it, seems a bit daft.
* My old chum Ken Livingstone seems to be getting into a spot of bother about remarks about homosexuality and the Conservative party. Heaven knows why as gays and Tories have always been a bit like fish and chips; one doesn’t tend to work terribly well without the other. Years ago, Ken, Charlie Kennedy and myself used to be regulars on a weekly LBC show hosted by the legendary (and seriously good fun) Michael Parkinson. Better, it was produced by my blog sister, the lovely Jo Phillips. One day I thought it might be a good idea to get Ken to put an end to a load of nasty rubbish that was being peddled about him. “What’s all this nonsense that you were once buggered by six men at a party?” I asked, expecting a horrified denial. “Well,” came the nasal drawl, “I really can’t remember, I was probably asleep.” What people don’t seem to understand is that Ken has a very dry sense of humour, far more so than Boris, who is a bit more slapstick. Most of the so called outrageous stuff he comes out with is not meant to be taken seriously at all. But we are in an election, which means that all candidates have to have a sense of humour by pass. How sad.
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Jerry Hayes
Jerry Hayes is a former Conservative MP and leading barrister defending and prosecuting high profile cases
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If what you say is true, you should have pressed charges against Prescott. He might have had to resign and that would have saved the country from him. Besides that, there should be no excusing that sort of thuggish behaviour whether by an elected representative or thugs on the streets.
14/02/2012 14:21Good heavens no! If there was a charge every time there was a scuffle in the Commons the police would be overworked. Over the years I was thumped by whips and journos. In those days it was quite a physical place. Most of the time I probably deserved it as I could be very irritating!
15/02/2012 07:28