Tuesday Diary: Workfare Hurt My Todger
Jerry Hayes remembers his work experience, loves a bit of Steve Sausage, and can't see Gove replacing Cameron anytime soon.
28 Feb 2012, 09:00
Gove: The Next Prime Minister?
* I haven’t bothered to blog on “workfare” which of course is the inaccurate label that has been put on it by a few frothing lefties who rather charmingly want to deny the young an opportunity of work experience, an interview and the possibility of getting off benefits. But at least they are getting something in the form of jobseeker’s allowance. I’ve met about half a dozen youngsters in the last month, with good degrees who are doing work experience for hedgefunds in the hope of a job. They don’t get paid a penny, nor are they entitled to jobseeker’s allowance as they can’t actively seek jobs. They are making serious sacrifices in the hope that by impressing their employers they might be taken on. That is the real world. As a student I worked my way through all sorts of menial and sometimes quite disgusting jobs (ok, I was getting paid) as have my children. I was a fruit squasher preparing the vile stuff for a well known soft drinks company. I just remember two things coming back after a beery lunch with my mates and pissing in the tanks. Nobody died (I think). And being sent down on a rope to clear out a very toxic substance called gingerene that is used to make ginger beer. Foolishly, as it was so hot down there I took off my gloves, smearing my hands with the stuff. Then, insanely, went for a pee passing on this burning substance onto the Hayes todger. I cannot describe the agony nor the look of amusement on the factory nurse’s face when she spent an afternoon pouring cold water over the damn thing. It was, of course, the cold water that made it look so small. Honest.
* Some of you might think that the law is an ass. And sometimes you might be right. But one of my friends at the criminal Bar has found an ingenious way of making ends meet while it takes the hopelessly incompetent Legal Services Commission at least three months to pay us for each case. And if they cock it up, as they invariably do, the whole process takes another few months. No wonder all of us are broke. But back to my friend. The clever girl has invested in a donkey. And every Saturday afternoon she performs with it, in public, for £200 quid a go. No, no no. Let there be no misunderstanding. She hires the old donk out to children’s parties who love it. When my kids were little we used to hire a children’s entertainer called Stephen Sausage, who was absolutely brilliant. The other day I Googled him to discover another Steve Sausage who has won loads of awards. I suspect it is my Steve’s son. His real name is Steve Wiley. I kid you not.
* I suspect that there will be a massive push from Downing Street to ensure the re-election of Boris. At the moment the Mayoral election is just too close to call. The real horror is what to do with him if he loses. According to Tim Montgomerie, the weather cock of the green inkers, Michael Gove withdrew from a keynote speech this Thursday because of all the “leadership chatter.” Now, my close friends tend to be on that wing on the Conservative Party not on medication and who don’t proudly frame their certificates of sanity. But I am on friendly terms with all wings and I haven’t heard of any plans to overthrow Cameron. Ok, they moan and groan and gripe, but I am not aware of any serious talk. Similarly, I’m not convinced that if Cameron should fall under a Number 11 bus that Boris would be the man, for all the obvious reasons. However, a footloose and fancy free Johnson could pose serious problems for the Cameroons. The whips will be checking to see which of the old boys might be popping their clogs first. So, was Monty’s leadership talk based on any fact or was it just a mischievous attempt to get a few hares running to settle the score for all those Downing Street briefings against him? I predict that this little canard will be quacking for quite a while.
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Jerry Hayes
Jerry Hayes is a former Conservative MP and leading barrister defending and prosecuting high profile cases
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"I just remember two things coming back after a beery lunch with my mates and pissing in the tanks."
Rather disturbing, but I recall a rather similar tale from boarding school (not the one I was at). That perpetrator became a lawyer too...
I lost a lot of respect for "BoJo" after he came out of the closet as completely bonkers and likened the absurdly generous welfare cap of £26000 to "ethnic cleansing" rather than daylight robbery of the taxpayer, but that's still far better than Red Ken and his union owners getting power again.
29/02/2012 07:02