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Woodward Scrapes the Bottom of the Barrell

Jerry Hayes considers Shaun Woodward's Labour strategy document and finds it somewhat wanting.

By Jerry Hayes

28 Aug 2011, 18:44

Don’t worry. That strange hysterical cackling sound? It’s only laughter. And it’s coming from Number 10.

Picture the scene. Cameron and Clegg are enjoying a light breakfast of cold grouse, woodcock and some devilled kidneys, whist skimming through the Sunday papers. Cameron strokes a large white cat snuggled on his lap which languidly exposes a yellowing set of razored fangs as the old retainer, David Davis, pours another glass of Chateau Gadaffi 2011. Well, at least he’s got a job at last.

Suddenly, Clegg is stirred from a fascinating article by Pierre Hitchen in La Poste en Dimanche by a terrible choking sound.
“What’s up Cammers old chum?” he squeals. The thought of the Deputy Prime Ministership, the cars, the cosy chats with Will and Kate flashed before him. If the Boss snuffs it they could all be gone. Suddenly Davis, his SAS training clicking in, grabs the PM violently by the throat and begins to squeeze.
“No”, screams Clegg. “The Heimlich”.
 “Where, you yellow bastard? Can’t see any krauts in here.”
“He’s choking” wails Clegg.
“I know”, says Davis with a malicious leer, “I’ve been waiting for this for years”. At that, there is a gasp, a burp, and a slug of lead shot hurtles from Cameron’s mouth. Tears are rolling down his rosy cheeks, tears of uncontrolled, hysterical laughter. He tries to speak, but just manages to gurgle, “The Observer” before collapsing into a heap of mirth.

Clegg snatches the sodden page from his hands and begins to read. Slowly, deep within his perfectly toned ski instructor’s body, there  comes a growl, then a yelp, then he too joins Cameron on the floor in paroxysms of laughter.

And what were they reading? Why the leaked new secret strategy to sink Cameron. Calling him “recognisably right wing…..and an old style traditional Tory Prime Minister”.  What’s more, it’s written by Shaun Woodward, whose only claim to fame was being a producer on That’s Life, marrying a Sainsbury heiress and defecting to Labour over gay issues.

Shaun is a terribly nice man, but not the sort of fellow you expect to be reading a policy document, let alone writing one. I was not surprised to hear that it was only two and a half pages long.

But the idea that the British people are going to be persuaded that Cameron is an old fashioned rightwinger is almost as deluded as a Labour leadership who are remotely considering it. Tory back benchers, grass roots and the rightwing press are constantly whinging that he’s an old lefty. And as for portraying him as a traditional Tory Prime Minster? Well, that plays right into the Cameron song sheet. The last such Prime Minister was Harold MacMillan.

Remember him? After the great depression he called the bankers Banksters, he wanted to turn the Stock Exchange into a National Investment Bank, was in coalition with the Liberals and favoured electoral reform. And what used to irritate the right so much about the man was that he really cared about the poor, about housing and about improving the lives of ordinary people. Sound a bit familiar?

Oh dear, Shaun. It’s back to the drawingboard , old son. And what is that other grating sound I can hear? I fear it is the sound of the bottom of the barrel being scraped.