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You Haven’t Seen It On The News But Look Out For Tropical Diseases Sweeping North Wales

Tony Horne drives right into a malaria pandemic when holidaying in Llandudno.

By Tony Horne

25 Aug 2011, 10:45

I was bored. I got in the car and drove. Suddenly, I was in Llandudno, North Wales.  I just turned off at the first place I could see beach and sea from the motorway and bang here I am in the one place everybody in the North West has been to for a seaside day out. It fits all the classic images – just think of Barry, where Nessa worked in Gavin and Stacey. But hey, thank God I did stop.

Never mind Alex Crawford in Tripoli, or Andy Coulson’s payments, or Sami Nasri ‘s undying loyalty, there’s a flipping malaria outbreak in Llandundo. I parked in Asda. It looked free and unpoliced. I didn’t need to shop. I just didn’t want to pay.  In front of me on one of two advertising boards outside the store came the deal of the week. They had a special on malaria tablets.

Well look, here’s a brand I really respect. They do not mess about, and have the big American Walmart corporate right behind them and if week in week out they’ve been telling me they’ve been rolling back prices and slapping each other’s cute little backsides to show me the cheapest joint of beef or recession-busting school uniforms, then I trust them with my life. They did not mess about – they were a global player with focus groups, research teams and huge advertising budgets. They knew about Mother’s Day, Back to School, Asda George, and of course, they gave me the Asda guarantee. They were never off the telly, and I could build my life around them.

So, if malaria was on the sandwich board outside, this was big news. When I got home, I felt I had no choice. I rang them. After a minute of messages detailing store opening times should I survive the malaria, I was put through to a lovely lady in pharmacy.

‘I’m ringing about the malaria,’ I said. ‘Just wondering why I haven’t seen it on the news.’
‘Oh I don’t know...’ she didn’t get very far before I filled her in.
‘You’ve a special outside the store,’ I continued. ‘When did the outbreak start and do you have many left in stock?’
Oh the sweat of fear and panic was rolling off my brow. One casual, careless motorway turn-off and now I was in the jungle. I surely had just hours left.
‘They are £30 for twelve after a consultation,’ nice Asda later advised.
‘I’m on my way. Keep some back,’ I begged.
Then she broke it to me.
‘There’s no outbreak of malaria in Llandudno, Sir. Asda just want to offer the best price on it as lots of people from Llandudno like to go overseas on holiday or on missions.’
I thought that was one hell of an ad-lib.

Looking around Llandudno, the population were local tourists or in the tourist industry, or old. It’s just a hunch, but my guess is that this little seaside town is way down the list of places in the UK where you are likely to find the next Mother Teresa. It didn’t reek of people counting the days to their Asian or African adventure!

I suspect the local manager of this store has autonomy to pick his own sandwich boards rather then waiting on the weekly email from head office. Yet, I have only ever met one person who suffered with malaria. You may know her – she’s rather skinny, tries to mime a bit, was once a judge on a talent show and was married to a lovely charming young man called Ashley.

It’s just a small observation or three but it is August Bank Holiday weekend and that means summer’s end and a last chance to get to the barbie out if I succumb to stereotypes. After that, it’s back to school, and Christmas. It’s not difficult is it? A packet of bangers on one sandwich board; a kid in a school uniform on the other.  Just hold fire on the outbreak of malaria in Llandudno for the moment.