Back in 2010 GQ Magazine did a feature of fake obituaries of famous people. I was asked to write one on Barack Obama. I chose to date it in 2030...
Barack Obama, who died yesterday at the hands of a Russian assassin, was a consummate peacemaker. During his two term presidency, Obama presided over an economic malaise which his country is still struggling to recover from twenty years later, but he brought peace to Chechnya, helped reunite North and South Korea and was the key influence in the Israeli-Palestinian peace accords. His four Nobel Peace Prizes lay testament to his ability to mediate in difficult circumstances.
Few would have thought that it would have been the murky world of Association Football which caused him to meet his end. His interest in the game started when he attended a match with British relatives at West Ham United in 2003, sparking his fascination of a game few of his countrymen could ever bring themselves to understand.
After Obama left the presidency, he attended West Ham’s opening game at the newly renamed Dr Martens Olympic Stadium and subsequently became the club’s talismanic Life President, only stepping down after a brief affair with the club’s tea lady Mildred Higginbottom was uncovered by a British tabloid. “No You Can’t - You’re Fired!” was the memorable headline following Obama’s departure at the hands of West Ham Chief Executive and Apprentice star Karren Brady.
It was not long before football called in Obama to rescue its tarnished reputation following the resignation of the disgraced FIFA president Sepp Blatter. Obama quickly set to work uncovering corruption at the heart of FIFA and was today set to reveal the truth behind Russia’s 2018 World Cup bid and how it also came to be awarded the 2030 tournament. But it was not to be, and he was cruelly gunned down as he emerged from his stretch Prius limo. President Bristol Palin’s immediate response was to warn the Russian President Mariya Putina that the United States would retaliate if there was any evidence of state involvement. “We gonna whip your Russki ass,” she told a Youtube audience of 50 million. British Prime Minister Cheryl Cole expressed the thoughts of the entire British nation when she told a subdued House of Commons: “Tell yerz wha mawks Obama abuv them oothuh politishans. Itz hiz unflinchin integritee an honestee. Makes yerz prood, pet, dunnit Mr Speakah, Sir?”
But it was as a successor to Oprah Winfrey that Barack Obama really found his niche after he left the presidency. His ability to empathise with an audience became legendary. Who can forget the spellbinding confessional with his 2012 opponent Sarah Palin in which she admitted to being a practising witch? His response of: “Well, at least no one ever accused you of being a muslim,” won him an Emmy.
Barack Obama is survived by his two daughters and wife Michelle, whose term as Vice President to President Clinton was beset by scandal. During her presidency, Chelsea Clinton regularly turned to Barack Obama for solace, which led to unfortunate rumours in the National Enquirer. She declared bitterly at one point: “I did not have sex with that man.”
Obama will be remembered for two words – hope and change. It is for others to judge whether he lived up to either.