1. Ming Campbell leaves Lady Elspeth for a Cheeky Boy
2. John McDonnell gets 44 nominations to enable him to run against Gordon Brown
3. The SNP win the Sedgefield By Election
4. Arise Sir John Yates
5. Cherie Blair turns down free holiday to Mustique courtesy of Richard Branson
6. George Pascoe-Watson or Kevin Maguire write a story slagging off Gordon Brown
7. In Shadow Cabinet reshuffle Lord Lawson is appointed Shadow Environment Minister
8. Yasmin Alibhai-Brown concedes that the British Empire might not have been all bad
9. Saddam Hussein spotted at lunch with Elvis and Princess Diana in Little Chef on the A1
10. Bruce Anderson writes column criticising David Cameron